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Author Topic: Military Jokes  (Read 150038 times)

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HundertzehnGustav

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #12 on: May 14, 2012, 08:50:51 AM »

LOL @ Teacher...
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Fly!

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2012, 09:47:31 AM »

Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.

Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.
 
Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"
 
Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!
 
USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."
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SAS~Storebror

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #14 on: May 14, 2012, 10:00:23 AM »

That's what we did back in the days I've been in service:


...and these are the results:




Best regards - Mike
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tomoose

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #15 on: May 14, 2012, 10:09:58 AM »

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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congo

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #16 on: May 14, 2012, 10:10:33 AM »

Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Maybe he crossed the road to prove to the squirrels that it could be done successfully.
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congo

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #17 on: May 14, 2012, 10:22:57 AM »

A grizzled old jumpmaster is expaining to his student before his first freefall jump how it will be. When the green light comes on you will rise and move to the cargo ramp, when I pat you on the back you will exit the aircraft and count to 20 and pull your main, if nothing happens count to 20 again and pull your reserve and there will be a truck waiting for you on the ground. The plane drones up to the jump altitude and the light goes from red to green and the student rises and moves to the cargo ramp, the jumpmaster pats him on the back and he exits the aircraft and starts the count to 20 and then pulls the ripcord  nothing happens so he starts the count to 20 again and pulls the reserve, nothing happens and he thinks to himself, I'll bet the f**king truck aint going to be there either.
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congo

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #18 on: May 14, 2012, 10:31:46 AM »

A Marine and a Swabbie are standing next to each other in the head while using the urinals. The Swabbie finishes and buttons up his bellbottoms and leaves, thirty seconds later the Marine catches up with him and says, Hey didn't your mother ever teach you to wash your hands after pissing and the Swabbie looks at him and says no she taught me not to piss on my hands.
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Moggy Cattermole

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #19 on: May 14, 2012, 01:13:00 PM »

An RAF regiment bloke dies and goes to heaven. When he gets to the main gates, St Peter says "thank fuck for that -- my relief's here, i'm dying for a piss"!

British Army Officers are given a list of recommended gentlemens outfitters to equip their wardrobe. Mainly reputable tailors who frequent Saville Row.
RAF Officers are given a £50 gift voucher to JJB Sport and TK Max.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one to hold it still while the world revolves around him.
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Roger Smith

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2012, 01:23:30 PM »



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Roger Smith

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #21 on: May 14, 2012, 01:27:58 PM »



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Roger Smith

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #22 on: May 14, 2012, 01:31:12 PM »



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Joberg

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Re: Military Jokes
« Reply #23 on: May 14, 2012, 02:18:44 PM »

Ha That picture of the man in the C-wire, oh man I know that feeling! Here's one that we used to have posted up the hallways from time to time...

God Bless the Infantry

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them, "Thou art my chosen children". Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain." And as a mark of His favour the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armour Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of  Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.
For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, C-Rats, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink."
 And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein. And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying, "Lord, help us, for we are weary."
 And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as Armour, or DAT's for short. And the Lord looked down upon the Armour and saw that it was mediocre.
 The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." To the DAT's the Lord said "Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink. Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry."
 And the Infantry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein.
 And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying, "Lord help us, for we are weary."
 And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen.
  Then God took those of the Armour with butts like base-plates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."
 Unto the Artillery He said, "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryst thou not to hurt thyself."
 To the Infantry the Lord said, "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, nukes." Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tac-fire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. And the Infantry, the Armour, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defence Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.
  And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying, "Lord help us, for we are weary."
  Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery and Air Defence Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps. Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation Corps. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police and Inspectors General (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same He made the Chemical Corps. Yea, the Lord of All filled up the MTOE.
  And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
 Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, "Lord, help us, for we are weary.
  And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightning's spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid.
  And the Lord spoke with anger, asking, "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signallers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
   Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
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